0range_jello

Under pressure

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 05:40:00 GMT

Yeah, like the song. Maybe I need to vent. Maybe I need someone to tell me that I can do this. What sucks is that at this point I feel like I can't. I need to think positively but my mind seems to be operating on different wavelengths. I get stuck in this cycle. It comes out as okay, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, okay, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail... and I can't get past all the fails. Thinking of myself as a failure is a fucking habit. I thought it was gone, but lookie here- I found it hiding under my pencil. Fuck this. I need to stop thinking this way, period. You know what failure, you can go and kiss my ass.

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 16:07:43 GMT

Oh Paul,

I believe that you, by far, are one of the greatest.

because i was amused.

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:38:31 GMT

Hah, this is for you Geraldine.

Dear Dear _____just_me:

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our affair is over. I think I realized it when I changed tennis shoes under a state of trance and I saw you sit on my mustard soufflé. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that your Honda sucks. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep your photo as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of the incarnation of an eskimo .

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
-Ashley-

Okay, now it is time for me to burn in hell and study my ass off.
End of amusement.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:13:30 GMT

What's wrong with me?

Diagonally

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:20:54 GMT

Work today was crazy. My wrists hurt, I have how many cuts on my arms, my feet are dead and I am tired. It's summer and I am already worn down. I enjoyed talking to Elva today. She is so much nicer than I imagined. Oddly, I talked to Margot who is the lady I work with that always looks grumpy. I always thought she hated my guts but today was just odd hearing her laugh. Linda, Monica, and Shari were running around crazy trying to make sure the whole ceremony was perfect. There were the few that made today nice for me like the weird chinese dude that shook my hand or the lady that made this diet soda joke while there were those who were bitchy and rude and wouldn't let me put a tray down because they had to get to the stupid cookies first. My english teacher finally emailed me back an A-Okay to start my six page paper that is due tomorrow. Thanks for the last minute email. I greatly appreciate that. I am tired. I slept a good five hours and worked almost the whole day. I haven't had a decent sleep in three weeks. I have to manage to work at Stanford, go to school, do homework, work at the hospital, and spend time with my lovers. Plus all the godknowswhat going on. There is no "me" time on this schedule. I have to hear about this and this and this and I frankly just want to hide under the covers from the world. I want to stay in my room and hope no one knows where to find me. I want to apparate to anywhere but here so I can hear myself think. I find it a little sickening micromanaging my life and having to need to do everything by a certain date. Fuck, I'll still be alive tomorrow- do I really need to answer to everything right this second? I can't stop hitting my head on the wall. Nothing is making me feel better. Props to the best week ever. I wonder how you'll treat me next week.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 18:18:57 GMT

I don't think I ever want to fall asleep again.

"all is fair in love and war"

Tue, 20 May 2008 21:29:35 GMT

i must have heard that phrase ten million times today

1200 broke my heart
i guess i will just have to "see you later"
translation: the summer picture is incomplete.

3 am spills

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:10:49 GMT

i don't know whats going on.
i don't like any of it.
i shouldn't be feeling this way again.
it's no good for anyone, including me.
things are getting extremely hard
and i feel like i cannot properly communicate what this is all about

Correct you are

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 20:59:53 GMT

And you told me this morning that things could be worse.

Ten bazillion points for you.
negative 294839842989282 for Ashley.

Tell me this.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 20:27:01 GMT

How is one suppose to keep from falling apart?
I hate the feeling when you're stuck in the past even though you've already moved on.
Even though you have no sense in feeling, there still is some sort of attachment. An attachment that means nothing.
This is probably not making any sense.
Everything is out of hand right now and I am in overdrive.
I feel like someone keeps yelling "Man the fort!" while I am trying to juggle every little aspect of my life.
Screw giving a damn for people who don't. My optimistic side has turned the other way.

Aside from today, yesterday was the best. I miss you already. I put the picture we stole up on my wall. It still makes me laugh.

I wish.

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 05:02:30 GMT

I guess hitting my head against the wall for the umpteen time will not make everything better.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 04:57:43 GMT

i'm sinking like a stone in the sea

the first half of my name wednesday

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:30:20 GMT

why don't i just accept the fact that you don't quite frankly give a shit anymore?
the relationship between this wall to my left and me is clearly more concrete than what we have now.

i know what i want.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 05:24:08 GMT

a siberian husky.

please please please
puppy puppy puppy.

sea of love.

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:57:36 GMT

oh last day of the year, i can't believe i finally met you.
1. the look of your face when we agreed upon buying a funnel cake and i ended up only taking two bites and made you eat the rest.
2. lying on your floor, seeing the full picture, hearing "unbuttoned" and "his shirt" mixed all in one sentence.
3. getting lost for god knows how long just to find fenton's and having to settle for some burgers and seeing the basilisk at the zoo.
4. driving down the freeway with someone who couldn't say "thom yorke" correctly resulting in an endless laughter attack that almost made us crash

i have a lot to say.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:16:55 GMT

I haven't written much lately because I have been too busy to take a few minutes out of my day to type a few words. I am just sitting here thinking about when we first met. We were such kids, a sight I would like to see again. You had your group(s), and I knew I would never belong to whatever you guys had. I had a feeling that we'd end up where we are today at this very second. Lovers without the attraction, as simple as that. No one will ever understand the dynamics of our relationship. I love how you aren't even with me and I still feel like you're sitting right next to me thinking of some celebrity news I have not yet heard about or my daily horoscope. It's funny how people grow apart when put into two separate places. I am here, and you are far far away. Logically, you and I would have ended months ago- or grown apart from being separated for too long. We aren't so much like the logical type. My counterpart, whom I am royally flushed to have met in the first place five years ago.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 19:42:15 GMT

sometimes i wish it could be as easy as calling up lacuna to get your memories erased.

hello mr.world

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 06:56:22 GMT

yeah, so these are my thoughts directed towards the most manipulating bitch on the planet:

go to hell.

i am aware that lost me some karma points,
but you have done more damage than those three words can ever do.

ar

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 15:45:56 GMT

so this person i know, NOT JUST ANY ORDINARY PERSON, but someone quite remarkable was born today. she is one of my heroes (she should be on that show!) i love you a lot and i've already left you a voicemail, but in case you see this first: HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY LOVE OF MY LIFE. oh #1, i miss you too much and i want you back home. i might come up again this weekend so... BELATED PARTY!! ;] you mean the world to me kiddo. take care. happy butttdaaayyy lovahh.

its all a waste!

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 06:16:59 GMT

lately, i have been thinking about everything. running through all over my life. what i like. what i dislike. what's cool and not-so-cool. the people. oh people. the loves of my life. the loves of my life once removed. strangers. acquaintances. i thought about a bunch of stuff today.

i wish you would forget my existence. or at least your preconceived notion of me. i am far away from your life and i have no intention of ever butting in on it. i've been over that and i don't see why i am such a popular topic.

hey hey, i tried. i tried to put the pieces back together, the ones that got dismantled by your choices. its all you. i have no problem with what you choose to do. its fine. just dont go blaming me because you think i am not here for you. or that i've forgotten you. because i haven't. you just won't acknowledge the fact that i exist. you've changed so much. i met you halfway, but you ditched me in the end.

love, you mean the world to me. i don't care where the f you are, even if you are 20,000 leagues under the sea. i got you. you got me good. all meaning would be washed down the drain if you weren't here with me. i put down my invisibility cloak for you. we can follow the white cloud together.

nothing better

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 05:52:22 GMT

yes, at the moment i am feeling a mixture of sadness, anger, and the tiniest bit of ambiance.
i want to push things aside like they dont even matter to me.
the little things i let slide because i feel there isnt a need to get sad over.
all i have to say is that its adding up. one day i am going to say i'm done.

mustard is good.

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 16:50:35 GMT

so yesterday was sunday. the first day where i had no plans at all. i ended up dropping the last two harry potter books at lester's house so that he could read them. we had lunch and ended up watching shanghai noon and making chocolate chip cookies. hill-air-e-us. yeahhhh, after i felt in a "school supply" shopping mood so i went to TARGET, the coolest place in the planet. so i went in our most favorite section.... and then.... i found the BESTEST/COOLEST.... ALLYSA! it was funny catching up and dropping our stuff all the time. we need a reunion! =A= team, this is for you <3 can't forget about thurs and the boyz. hahah, oh the boyz wont all be here until september. that's a long time my friend. i start school on the 23. throw me off a cliff while you're at it.

i am at work smork right now. the highlight so far was was professor phillipe walked in and looked at us. ten seconds later he says "MEOW" and im thinking, what? is this guy crazy? i couldnt stop laughing and i thought of someone none other than my #1.

meow meow meeeowww

i officially suck at writing entries that consist of more than ten words.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 17:21:18 GMT

i got to hang out with my #1 lover, whom which apparently may be who the ice cream man may love more. but i swear he gave us equal amounts of overflowing icecream. he was rather sloppy with your ice cream which is most definitely why you got an added bonus spoon and cup [that doesn't mean he loves you more than me]. honestly i think we need to stay away from bookstores because i cant take looking at all the books and harry potter stuff when i have over ten bazillion unready books sitting in my room. i'll probably leave you voice mails when you're in france, even though my voice mails are fast and last .0054633 seconds. don't worry, i'll write you. you'll have almost a stack of pancakes when you arrive back. im still planning on hopefully sending myself to france with you. not sure if that'll work out, but i will give it a shot.

this summer has been more good than bad. i've been hanging out with the boys lately [cant wait till cara comes back!] and i've been having so much fun. i can never stop laughing but i honestly need to stop cursing and also drinking soda because i guess that can be considered my summer goal. i guess to sum how i've been in the past 2 weeks plus today, i'd say relatively good.

Mon, 07 May 2007 05:24:07 GMT

you and i are going to kick ass this summer.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 02:06:37 GMT

i want to go back to friday night
you driving, me passenger, us singing ordinary people while making slowu-turns.

i want to go back to saturday night
fixing things

i want to go back to saturday night to early sunday morning
dwayne. mario kart + me kicking ass. kids falling asleep while i stay awake. driving home 230am was the happiest 2 minutes of my life.

today is pops birthday.
i drew a picture.

i dont think i want to go to grad night.
the cons outruled the pros.