Yeah, like the song. Maybe I need to vent. Maybe I need someone to tell me that I can do this. What sucks is that at this point I feel like I can't. I need to think positively but my mind seems to be operating on different wavelengths. I get stuck in this cycle. It comes out as okay, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, okay, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail... and I can't get past all the fails. Thinking of myself as a failure is a fucking habit. I thought it was gone, but lookie here- I found it hiding under my pencil. Fuck this. I need to stop thinking this way, period. You know what failure, you can go and kiss my ass.

Oh Paul,

I believe that you, by far, are one of the greatest.

Hah, this is for you Geraldine.

Dear Dear _____just_me:

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our affair is over. I think I realized it when I changed tennis shoes under a state of trance and I saw you sit on my mustard soufflé. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that your Honda sucks. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep your photo as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of the incarnation of an eskimo .

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
-Ashley-

Okay, now it is time for me to burn in hell and study my ass off.
End of amusement.

What's wrong with me?

Work today was crazy. My wrists hurt, I have how many cuts on my arms, my feet are dead and I am tired. It's summer and I am already worn down. I enjoyed talking to Elva today. She is so much nicer than I imagined. Oddly, I talked to Margot who is the lady I work with that always looks grumpy. I always thought she hated my guts but today was just odd hearing her laugh. Linda, Monica, and Shari were running around crazy trying to make sure the whole ceremony was perfect. There were the few that made today nice for me like the weird chinese dude that shook my hand or the lady that made this diet soda joke while there were those who were bitchy and rude and wouldn't let me put a tray down because they had to get to the stupid cookies first. My english teacher finally emailed me back an A-Okay to start my six page paper that is due tomorrow. Thanks for the last minute email. I greatly appreciate that. I am tired. I slept a good five hours and worked almost the whole day. I haven't had a decent sleep in three weeks. I have to manage to work at Stanford, go to school, do homework, work at the hospital, and spend time with my lovers. Plus all the godknowswhat going on. There is no "me" time on this schedule. I have to hear about this and this and this and I frankly just want to hide under the covers from the world. I want to stay in my room and hope no one knows where to find me. I want to apparate to anywhere but here so I can hear myself think. I find it a little sickening micromanaging my life and having to need to do everything by a certain date. Fuck, I'll still be alive tomorrow- do I really need to answer to everything right this second? I can't stop hitting my head on the wall. Nothing is making me feel better. Props to the best week ever. I wonder how you'll treat me next week.

I don't think I ever want to fall asleep again.

i must have heard that phrase ten million times today

1200 broke my heart
i guess i will just have to "see you later"
translation: the summer picture is incomplete.

i don't know whats going on.
i don't like any of it.
i shouldn't be feeling this way again.
it's no good for anyone, including me.
things are getting extremely hard
and i feel like i cannot properly communicate what this is all about

And you told me this morning that things could be worse.

Ten bazillion points for you.
negative 294839842989282 for Ashley.

How is one suppose to keep from falling apart?
I hate the feeling when you're stuck in the past even though you've already moved on.
Even though you have no sense in feeling, there still is some sort of attachment. An attachment that means nothing.
This is probably not making any sense.
Everything is out of hand right now and I am in overdrive.
I feel like someone keeps yelling "Man the fort!" while I am trying to juggle every little aspect of my life.
Screw giving a damn for people who don't. My optimistic side has turned the other way.

Aside from today, yesterday was the best. I miss you already. I put the picture we stole up on my wall. It still makes me laugh.

I guess hitting my head against the wall for the umpteen time will not make everything better.

i'm sinking like a stone in the sea

why don't i just accept the fact that you don't quite frankly give a shit anymore?
the relationship between this wall to my left and me is clearly more concrete than what we have now.

a siberian husky.


please please please
puppy puppy puppy.

oh last day of the year, i can't believe i finally met you.
1. the look of your face when we agreed upon buying a funnel cake and i ended up only taking two bites and made you eat the rest.
2. lying on your floor, seeing the full picture, hearing "unbuttoned" and "his shirt" mixed all in one sentence.
3. getting lost for god knows how long just to find fenton's and having to settle for some burgers and seeing the basilisk at the zoo.
4. driving down the freeway with someone who couldn't say "thom yorke" correctly resulting in an endless laughter attack that almost made us crash

I haven't written much lately because I have been too busy to take a few minutes out of my day to type a few words. I am just sitting here thinking about when we first met. We were such kids, a sight I would like to see again. You had your group(s), and I knew I would never belong to whatever you guys had. I had a feeling that we'd end up where we are today at this very second. Lovers without the attraction, as simple as that. No one will ever understand the dynamics of our relationship. I love how you aren't even with me and I still feel like you're sitting right next to me thinking of some celebrity news I have not yet heard about or my daily horoscope. It's funny how people grow apart when put into two separate places. I am here, and you are far far away. Logically, you and I would have ended months ago- or grown apart from being separated for too long. We aren't so much like the logical type. My counterpart, whom I am royally flushed to have met in the first place five years ago. 

sometimes i wish it could be as easy as calling up lacuna to get your memories erased.

yeah, so these are my thoughts directed towards the most manipulating bitch on the planet:


go to hell.



i am aware that lost me some karma points,
but you have done more damage than those three words can ever do.

so this person i know, NOT JUST ANY ORDINARY PERSON, but someone quite remarkable was born today. she is one of my heroes (she should be on that show!) i love you a lot and i've already left you a voicemail, but in case you see this first: HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY LOVE OF MY LIFE. oh #1, i miss you too much and i want you back home. i might come up again this weekend so... BELATED PARTY!! ;] you mean the world to me kiddo. take care. happy butttdaaayyy lovahh.

lately, i have been thinking about everything. running through all over my life. what i like. what i dislike. what's cool and not-so-cool. the people. oh people. the loves of my life. the loves of my life once removed. strangers. acquaintances. i thought about a bunch of stuff today.

i wish you would forget my existence. or at least your preconceived notion of me. i am far away from your life and i have no intention of ever butting in on it. i've been over that and i don't see why i am such a popular topic.

hey hey, i tried. i tried to put the pieces back together, the ones that got dismantled by your choices. its all you. i have no problem with what you choose to do. its fine. just dont go blaming me because you think i am not here for you. or that i've forgotten you. because i haven't. you just won't acknowledge the fact that i exist. you've changed so much. i met you halfway, but you ditched me in the end.

love, you mean the world to me. i don't care where the f you are, even if you are 20,000 leagues under the sea. i got you. you got me good. all meaning would be washed down the drain if you weren't here with me. i put down my invisibility cloak for you. we can follow the white cloud together.